CAPTAIN FALCON VS THE METAVERSE
by FalconPAWNCH
Summary: Captain Falcon must travel through the Metaverse, breaking into other stories, on his mission to falcon punch every character in existence. But what are his motives? Who is behind the bounty hunter's sudden change of heart? AND WHY IS THIS SO CRAZY? All will be revealed. Maybe.
1. Chapter 1: The Boy Who Got Punched

**CHAPTER 1: The boy who got punched**

(A/N): Have you ever wondered how many crossovers can fit into a single plot? Well now you get to find out. Don't be too harsh, I'm writing these in one draft. Just shut up and enjoy the ride.

The two circled one another, surrounded by the silhouettes of students and parents. On one side, the Dark Lord, on the other, the Boy who Lived. The first rays of sunlight began to peek over the ruined castle walls, casting a faint light on their faces, and suddenly both were in motion.

"Expelliarmus!" cried Harry, throat cracking, and a bolt of red light crackling from his wand toward Voldemort. Voldemort cast his own spell, eyes livid.

"AVADA KADA-"

The spell was cut short by an explosion. Screams filled the great hall as something enormous flew through one of the few still-intact walls, spraying dust and stone everywhere. Harry covered his eyes, shielding them from the plaster and debris. What was going on?

After a few tense minutes, the dust began to settle. Voldemort's legs were sticking out at an awkward angle beneath some sort of bright blue object. It looked reminiscent of Dudley's old remote control airplanes, but the shape was all wrong. He hesitantly stepped closer, wand at the ready. The great hall was silent again, the crowd huddled together in confusion. Harry flicked his wand, scouring some of the dirt off the objects surface. The vehicle appeared to be emblazoned with the number "07."

Something Hermione had said long ago stirred in his memory. Something about how muggle technology malfunctioned near Hogwarts? Maybe a plane was flying overhead and had stopped working? But wasn't Hogwarts supposed to be unapproachable by muggles? He flicked his wand again, scouring off more dirt. There were more words here. "Blue Falcon," he read aloud, wondering what it meant. He glanced down at the crushed legs beneath it. At least whatever it was had taken care of Voldemort.

With a bang, the hood of the vehicle flew open, smoke peering out. Harry readied wand and squinted, trying to see who (or what) was inside. It sounded like there was someone moving around inside the cockpit.

"FALCON!" cried an undeniably masculine voice. Harry cocked his head and got ready to defend himself. But this wasn't like any sort of spell he'd ever heard. Was the man inside talking about the animal?

A gloved fist flew towards Harry, catching on fire as it did so. Harry tried to dodge, but it was moving too fast, and it caught him square in the face. The crowd gasped as Harry flew across the entire Great Hall with burning robes. He flew through the air, disappearing onto the castle grounds with a muffled thump.

From the smoking cockpit emerged a blue-clad figure, with yellow gloves, boot, and scarf. His head was covered by a bright red helmet, emblazoned with a brass falcon. Goggles covered his eyes, leaving only white slits. "Punch." he said, lowering his fist. The crowd watched in shock as he jumped down to the floor, crouching and putting one palm flat on the ground. "FALCON!" he screamed again, raising his fist to the sky. His body begin to glow orange with heat, and the air wavered about his fist.

"Expelliarmus!" came the cry from the crowd. Ginny Weasley stood up, pointing a quavering wand at the figure in the center of the room. The man's golden glove flew off, but otherwise he did not move. He looked over and flashed a grin at her. "Come on," he smirked. Then he drove his fist into the floor.

"PUNCH!"

A few minutes later, the blue ship rocketed out from a smoking crater, the former site of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. In the cockpit, Captain Falcon grinned to himself. That was another name to cross off the list. He reached into the Blue Falcon's glove compartment and pulled out a pencil and a piece of paper with tiny print covering the back, front, and margins. He deftly crossed out one of the tiny entries. This one read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." The Captain made a banked turn and saluted at the ruins. He didn't enjoy this kind of work, but it was necessary. It would all be worth it when he reached his goal.

Tilting the ship's nose upward, he accelerated and slammed a hand on a purple button on the console. The Blue Falcon began to shimmer, and it slowly became more and more transparent. As it disappeared, Captain Falcon smiled to himself. On to the next job.

(A/N): Where will Captain Falcon go next? And what is this mysterious list? Who hired this famous F-Zero bounty hunter? All will be revealed soon in CAPTAIN FALCON VS. THE METAVERSE. For now, enjoy this video I found: watch?v=9obnIOWez38


	2. Chapter 2: One Punch to Rule them All

Captain Falcon pulled the Blue Falcon into a smooth landing. No sense in crashing like last time. Opening the cockpit, he stepped out onto a tall tower. Beneath it emanated the sounds of an enormous battle, the screams and cries of the dying and the dead filling the air. He nodded in approval. It wasn't exactly the track in F-Zero, but it was nice. The burning orange sky in particular really seemed to bring out the place's aesthetic. If only he didn't feel like he was being watched. He turned and was suddenly face to face with a huge, burning, lidless eye. It gazed down at him, filling his entire vision.

"FOOLISH MORTAL. YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE SAURON? YOU THINK YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BLUE SHIP SCARE ME?"

Captain Falcon grinned. He might not understand fine wine, accounting, or even how to change the sheets on his bed, but he understood a threat when he heard one. He calmly walked up to the eye and kicked the flaming pupil as hard as he could.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" rumbled Sauron. "DON'T YOU KNOW I'M IMMORTAL? I CANNOT BE DESTROYED WHILE THE RING STILL EXISTS!"

Just then, there came a massive explosion from a nearby volcano. Both the Eye and Captain Falcon swiveled to look at it.

"WELL..." said Sauron. "THIS IS AWKWARD."

Captain Falcon leaped in the air, winking at Sauron before yelling "Falcon Kick!" His leg caught fire, and he rocketed downward through the tower, emerging into thin air about halfway up, leaving a gaping hole behind him. The tower began to collapse, the Eye darting about frantically as it started to plummet toward the ground. Captain Falcon clasped his arms over his knees and flipped several times to slow his momentum. He looked around, looking for something to stop his fall, while simultaneously pressing a button on the inside of his glove. He spied an eagle, winging its way towards the volcano. He angled his body towards it, straightening himself.

Gwaihir was not having the best day. First his friends had pulled him into their boneheaded plan to rescue Gandalf and the Fellowship, then he'd had to fight Nazgul, and now a damn tower was falling on top of him. He should have stayed back in Valinor. He wondered if he should just fly back now. They seemed to be doing a pretty good job without him, although there were those two figures by that volcano, so small he could barely see them. He turned toward them, and something hard struck him in the back. He looked over his shoulder, and glimpsed a muscular blue-suited man leaping off his back with a cry of "Show me your moves!" The man began to fall again, but was picked up in midair by some sort of blue eagle, unlike any Gwaihir had ever seen before. That was enough, thought Gwaihir. watching the blue eagle fly off and vanish. He was going home, there was no way he was in shape to fight a battle when he was hallucinating. He turned away from the two figures. He was sure they'd be fine without him.

"Is this the end, Sam?" asked Frodo weakly, magma pouring down the mountain toward the two of them. He looked up vaguely at his hand, seared with a bright red weal from constantly wearing the Ring. He didn't want to go, not like this. Not after they'd finally done it.

"No," cried Sam. "Look, Mr. Frodo, its an eagle! Its come to rescue us! Too bad you can't see it, but it is...awful...small." Sam watched in despair as the eagle disappeared into the horizon.

"Sorry Mister Frodo," he said tiredly, "But yes. There isn't any Tom Bombadil here for us this time."

(A/N): Enjoy the PAWNCH. /NN-gvLxF8vg?t=15m57s. Also, next time: Find out where Falcon came from, and why his list of bounties includes so many characters from other universes (and no, its not just because I'm bored)! See you then, on CAPTAIN FALCON VS. THE METAVERSE!


	3. Chapter 3: On the Streets of Mute City

(A/N): Welcome to the dreaded exposition chapter. If you scroll down, you may notice an alarming lack of pawnching going on. Don't worry though, we'll be back to that by next week.

 **-Two weeks earlier-**

Mute City, the place where all racers end up. Whether they're dropouts, newbies, or old legends, all of them eventually come to Mute City. Bart Leming had seen them all come and go. He gazed out into the rain from the dirty window of his bar. Everyone here was the same, each thinking that they were the next Captain Falcon. Typical. None of them seemed to understand that there was only one Captain Falcon, and he never lost.

The bell on the door jangled noisily, and a cloaked man stumbled in, brushing droplets of water off his body. Bart deftly pulled a few glasses down from the shelf behind him and began mixing drinks. He wondered vaguely what the stranger's story would be. He was thinking washed-up old racer, all the young ones did everything they could to flaunt their status. He leaned forward as the stranger sat down. "Yes?"

The stranger made no move to lower his hood. "Hello," he said slowly, and Bart noted that his voice seemed to pitch up and down almost at random, in a practically singsong manner. "I'm looking for a man they like to call Captain Falcon. Is that you?" Bart froze momentarily, then continued wiping the glass he was scolding. "Come on," he scoffed derisively, gesturing at his paunch and general lack of muscle. The stranger chuckled to himself, raising the glass to his lips.

"More's the pity. See, I'm a reasonable man. And when I heard Captain Falcon was here, well, I just thought that I had to go and talk to him. 'Cause see, I know something about Black Shadow.

This time Bart Lemming froze for more than a moment. He slowly looked up at the cloaked figure. "Show me," he said loudly, muttering "your moves" to himself. The figure in the cloak cackled to themselves, and their voice pitched up and down insanely. "Why...so...serious?" he spat out. In the blink of an eye Bart had pinned him to the wall, using only one arm. His other hand began to smoke. Gone was the overweight bartender. He stood taller, and his eyes blazed with passion. The stranger held up his hands. "Whoa there! You can kill me if you want to, but we're on the same side! See, I want to catch Black Shadow too! Look, I've got a picture of him!" The stranger thrust a hand inside his cloak, and drew out a waterlogged picture of a man dressed in black, with a bat-shaped mask. "See, he's changed his costume a little, but still the same guy. And he's in my universe, trying to take it over. He imprisoned me! Me, of all people!"

Bart Lemming roughly dropped the stranger, and jabbed a finger at the picture. The cloaked man nodded. "That's him, all right. See, he's acquired a, a, a whatsitcalled, a transuniversal jump engine. He travelled to my universe, and since you're not there, he's doing everything he can to destroy it!" He leaned forward. "Basically, man, what I'm saying is this: I need your help. I haven't exactly got much to offer you and I know you generally work for bounty, but-" Bart cut him off, slamming his hand onto the table. He waved a hand flatly. The message was clear: no payment needed. The stranger nodded. "Thank you. Now before you go, you'll need these." He pulled a small piece of paper and a box with dozens of different colored wires sticking out of it. "This is how I got here," he said, pointing to the box. "Another transuniversal jump engine. Just stick it in your ship and you're good to go. And this," he tapped the paper with a gloved hand, "Is a map, of sorts. See, he knows that we're after him. So he's going to be on the run. These are the universes that he could be in." Bart picked it up, eyes traveling slowly down the paper, sounding out the words. Reading wasn't his strong suit. "You need to take out his followers in these universes, and see if you can find where he's hiding. Just Falcon Punch the lot of them or something."

Bart grabbed the paper and the box, pulling off a snappy salute to the figure. "Hyes," he said solemnly. He walked back to the bar and flicked open a steel lockbox hidden beneath the counter. Inside was his blue and gold suit, his red helmet, and a battered sidearm. It was time to take up the mantle again. Become Captain Falcon.

After the bartender had left, the stranger put his feet up on the table and stretched. This was too good. He'd sent Captain Falcon off through the universe on a mission of chaos, to destroy the stories of every place he came too. Not only that, but he'd finally finished his present for his friend. They would be receiving a Falcon Punch this Christmas. He glanced down at the wet photo. How could the idiot think that was Black Shadow? It barely looked like him. The stranger grinned, the scars on his face cracking and making his smile seem far wider than it had any right to. He wondered how Batman would like his Christmas present.

The Joker strolled out, whistling loudly. Sending Captain Falcon off with free reign to punch whoever he felt like, before leading him into a final meeting with the Batman? This could only be fun.

(A/N): This music goes well with today's story: watch?v=XBuXfcFKAlo. And for those who are confused, this assumes that Captain Falcon's alter ego is Bart Lemming, as in F-Zero, GP Legend.


End file.
